Moving forward

It is not easy to forget where I have come from. The depth of despair some ten months ago when my whole world fell apart and was turned upside down. I wish I could forget.

Ten months ago my family was broken and me with it. The lack of closure on the whole thing and the version that I was painted of what it would be like was that never was to be realised and this has made it all so hard. The number of empty assurances about the children and the contact they would have with each other turned out to b empty words, the way they were broken up was fueled by adult lies, and the deception that finished it all off is so hard to believe of someone once so true. The whole story seems so sad that few people I trusted find the whole thing hard to understand. The depth of the emotions involved have been immense and still are deep even as I try and make a new life and move forward.

In order to move forward I have had to refocus my life and try and rediscover who I really am and what really matters to me. Some of those things that matter I can never have, I know that, but the others I can do something about. One of those things is enjoying my family and the times we have together, the subject of this blog While another that is important to me is meeting friends, going places and having fun, but I know that the most important thing is understanding the past and building on it. It might be something that will only be touched on here but I hope that by understanding the it I can build on it, maybe repair the bridges with the past and learn from the whole experience. Maybe an impossible dream but one I really do dream about.

I just wish I was harder and did care so much about things, may be then I wouldn't have been broken by the whole thing and I feel there is more pain to come from what others in my position have told me. The fact I still care doesn't improve things but I will get past this as well as learning that caring isn't the problem, it is not being allowed to care that is. Having a big heart isn't all it is cracked up to be.

This blog is about fun and having fun. It is a dairy of events and days that mean a lot to me. It just part of a complex life which has been made more complicated.