Family

With the coming of spring it is sometimes good to look back and find what we value. Not all goes well in our lives we all have some minor and major upsets and I'm really no different from anyone else in this regard. When we look back we find nearly always find that not all that went wrong was because of anyone it was just because things happened that we can't sometimes control.

I'm not sure I would changed anything in my life so far but I do wish I had better luck and things had been easier. If I do have a regret it is not having a normal stable family for my children. That is all I ever wanted for them. It's not that I haven't tried to do that for them it is just it has never worked out. 

In the case of Emily and Catherine their mother fell ill and was unable to live with us any more and I had to make one of the hardest choices of my life, give up the children or my partner. In the end there was no way I would give up the children and have to see them go into care. That was just not an option. So for years I brought them up on my own doing the best I could with them. Taking them out and having fun and caring for them the best I could. I protected them until I found someone who seemed just perfect to be a female role model in their lives. I wouldn't have let them near someone I didn't trust one hundred percent.

In the case of Lucy, again it was out of my hands, whatever I did, I don't think I could have kept the family I had created with her mother together. It was being ripped apart by forces too great and uncontrollable. Although now I'm sure that in some peoples eyes I was to blame and could have done more the reality of the situation was completely different. If they knew all I do they would also know nobody was to blame it was just something that was inevitable without a lot of individual work and outside help, Sometimes I do feel guilty and I don't know why. I think I was just made to feel that way and I do regret that I didn't do more to get the help that was needed, but in the end the result would have been the same. The internal forces were too great and when the external forces came into play that was the end. It is just strange that as I got stronger after I returned to work the whole thing came apart at the seams just when things were getting better. None of it makes any sense but things like this never do sometimes. 

One day I hope I can give the girls a stable family to live in. It will never be what I wanted for them since they are split apart but I hope I can surround them with love and continue to keep them safe while having fun. I just hope they understand it is not what I wanted for them because family means everything to me.