Looking Back

It had been quiet a week for catherine and for me for that matter. One can't help looking back at times like these and one thing is for sure writing a blog makes that easier.

Like Emily and Catherine my years basically follow the same holiday patten with the year ending around the same time. So in may ways this is a good time to reflect on the year. It has been quiet some year to be honest as was the year before that in fact.

This time last year we had more money and we were able to do so much more. We had better food, we went out more and we did more because of that. Life was less repetitive than it is now and we could afford the odd surprise or trip out to somewhere special. That all changed at the end of the summer when the effects of the recession cut into my working week cutting down the hours I work. That wasn't helpped by my desire to be part of Lucy's life which restricted the days I could work without losing out on her. I know everyone has paid for that but we loved every minute of having her with us and that make it worth it. Family is so important.

Things are so different now. Money is so tight and because that the things we can now do seem so limited and sometimes things are repetitive, like the food we eat. Everyone gets fed but little things are missing and the food is often uninspiring and that is so hard when I love to cook. The surprises have gone in what we do, but we are becoming good fun things to do that costs no money and at least we still have fun. Things aren't what the were and I miss having that little bit extra to spend on entertainment but what can you do. I never thought this time last year things would be like this.

Things have certainly changed over the last year, but then if I go back two years and bit years ago then thing are so different you wouldn't think I was living the same life. Back then I was working full time for two different colleges and in contact time I was doing more work than a normal college lecture and working the equivalent of nearly forty five hours. This was coupled with getting interviews for full time jobs and then around now that all changed as did my life style and expectations. Things were so bright and the prospects good.

What will the coming year bring is hard to say at the moment especially given what is happening with my main employer. Given the Lucy situation I might as well work as many days as I can, for ever I can, as long as it covers the petrol to get me to work and leaves a little over to pay the bills. It is not that I want to this as I would rather have the contact with Lucy. I value seeing my family more than work if I can manage the balance but that has been taken away from me. Just look at the contact I have now and I can't see that improving without the lack of meaningful communication, despite what happened today. It's not fair that I have to hear about things that affect my daughter from others and I can talk to her when I can't see her. 

Anyway I'm getting off the point, the worse case is that I don't find any work then I lose Lucy altogether because there is no way I will be able to see her and feed Emily and Catherine and then how will they get to Leeds. That is not a path I want to go down or intend to take. I just there wasn't so much uncertainty but I guess without it life would be boring.

It will be interesting to see what the next year brings and I hope it ends better than this one. For this one has ended on a low in many ways. Going from the access I had with Lucy to have what I have now is a killer. I will get use to because I have to not because i want to. I always wanted to play an active part in her life. If I didn't I would never have had a child. I'm naturally an optimist, and although tired, I believe there good to be found in everything even at times like this. There is a solution of the problems of today if you believe. 

If I said I didn't have regrets I would be lying, but that will always be the case and the nothing I can do about it. I just have to get on with being me and doing the things I do; loving the people that matter most in my life.

If only I knew

There are sometimes moments in your life when you think "if only I knew". These are generally  moments when you are so wrapped up with just surviving crisis that you miss something so important that it all goes over your head because you are to wrapped up dealing with your own life. 

It's only later when discover them that you realise the another part of the whole picture and by then it's all to late. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing, may be it is in helps piece together the jigsaw, but you still can end wishing that has been more observant and not missed what you know now. You can kick yourself for being so stupid even when you understand the reasons for your actions, but at the end you just end up feeling sorry for the mess, and sometimes you can't say sorry because their is no way of saying it. I had one of those days today.

End of the College Year

So we come to the end of another college year and things are not looking good for the colleges as a whole. There are falling student numbers, less funding from the government and in the case of some colleges financial problems left over from foolish promises about redevelopment from the previous government. This is not a good time to working be working in this sector. 

As you may know from the blog that I work in this sector and because of the way I work things aren't looking good for next year. I try and get all the hours I can but in order to have the contact with Lucy and because of the age of Emily and Catherine I currently work part time on at best sessional contracts. As we move from a period of austerity it is people that work like I do that will be hit hard.

It is with these thoughts that I end this college year with my main employer merging with another college in order to save themselves from going under. With the changes that have occurred already and the timing of the two colleges coming together every sessional member of staff has been left not knowing what is happening with there jobs. I'm just one of many in this position and I know we are all finding it hard to deal with. 

Even the year that has just ended for me has seen my hours reduce and I know that money has been short this year, but that is nothing compared to what could happen next year. So as my summer holidays start so does the task of finding work for the coming year. It is all so different from the time when I was able to work full time and I was getting interviews for every job I went for in the sector. Things are so different from what they were back then.

That aside, I have enjoyed my year as I always do. I have taught some great students and I hope I have motivated them to do better things. I believe that every student has ability and that they come first. I have always thought this. To me it is about making people matter  and it is that which makes a college successful even if it means bending a few rules along the way. I just hope they all do well with whatever they decide to do because they as people deserve it.

Catherine's Birthday

What a contrast to the weather eleven years ago. Today it was cold and grey and back then when I was awoken from a call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning the skies were blue and the day warm and sunny. It is not the sort of day you forget and by seven thirty that morning I was holding a little girl in my arms not really knowing what to do with her. One thing was for sure was as I looked her I was so so happy.

Normally we would have had Lucy but with the move, financially that wasn't a possibility, the budget having been stretched already things are harder than they have ever been. So for me it has been rather a dull and empty day compared with the Tuesdays of the past.

Catherine made the most of her day. She wanted money this year and she has managed to get just enough to buy a android tablet, the one thing she wanted. She is so excited about getting it. All we need to do now is get it ordered for her and she will have internet access without having to use one of the old desktop computers. Catherine is getting so grown up now and it seems the time of toys is now long gone.

We were going to have a birthday dinner, but without Lucy it seemed better to wait and to save the a little money for later in the week. In the end I let Catherine choose the dinner and I brought her cake for pudding so at least she could have some candles. Hopefully as soon we have Lucy again I can bake a cake and we can have a late birthday dinner for Catherine with all her sisters together.

Lots of things have happened over those eleven years that Catherine has been with us and so much has changed. If you asked me as I held that little bundle of joy in my arms things would things be like they are now I would never have believed you. So much has happened that it would fill more than one book. It is strange what happens in life and their is no certainty in things turning out the way you want them. Like they the poem by Robert Burns says "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley.". You just have to look at my more recent life to see that and the situation with little Lucy who was meant to unite what is now a split family.

Money isn't everything

When I came out of my last relationship I had spent more money than I had to spend. I did this because I wanted to make that person happy and I wanted to be with the family for as long as possible. You might have guessed I love my family and I knew I could later turn that around but because the relationship broke up that never happened. It was just when I was getting interviews and I was leaving home everyday for work secure that financially things were getting better it went wrong.

May be one thing we have all heard is the expression that "money isn't everything" and that is so true, Just being able to love the people you love and having fun with them gives us the greatest happiness in life. I would rather be in a local park than sailing around the world on a ship. Although the idea of being on that ship is appealing there is nothing better than seeing the people you care for having fun together. It is that feeling those moments give you, that makes life worth living, despite all the pain it can cause you. Happiness doesn't come from outside it comes from inside our being and it is not born of money, but exists around us in our love of the things we care about with passion.

I think that it is this saying that keeps me going and that made realise that family is more important than money all those years ago. Things aren't easy now but I would rather be in the park, like I was on Tuesday than being a millionaire searching for happiness through spending money. I don't regret the past it just didn't workout as I expected and their was noway I knew what happened would happen.

[Picture Credit - http://www.the-experts.co.uk/]

Three Years Ago

It was about three years ago today that I moved with my family to Rutland. It was the best move I have ever made. I really love the place as you might have noticed from the posts in this blog. I really do think it is one of the most beautiful places in England to live and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else by choice.

I was happy to get the family out of the city and into the countryside. Just a few months before we moved we were burgled. They took all our things of value, including a two cars one of which was new to us at least and was our pride and joy, while we were in the same house asleep. It left everyone being nervous about living in the house for weeks upon weeks, and we didn't even live in a high crime area. 

This was one of many reasons why I was so happy to leave. Another was, as I have said before, that the country is a better place to bring up children. I was brought up in the countryside and I always wanted that for my children, away from all the problems that can occur within large area's of population. I remember loving the freedom to just roam and explore as I got older. I hope Emily and Catherine have that feeling now. I feel so safe here and that makes a big difference to life.

Something is Going On

Something is going on and I just don't know what. I can feel it. You know what I mean when you just sense something is happening. Women would call it intuition, I just think it is odd that you can feel such thing if you are in tune with something, but then again I have had even odder things happen to me in the past. Who knows if it is for good or bad but I guess I will find out in the end. In the end you always find out the truth and things end up making sense. 

History

History is such a funny thing. It something we all have and carry around with us. Only we know the true events that have happened in our lives and the truth behind them. We can decide if we reveal that truth or hide it behind some smoke screen. We can also change history in our minds to fit a new purpose in life or in some cases have that history changed for us so we lose sight of real events. Our own history stays with us and there is no point hiding it because it is always there. You just have to deal with the past, learn from it and walk into the future know what the truth is. Then there are the bits you hide that sometimes others piece together like building a giant jigsaw to explain there own past.

Sometimes I feel like I am still building a bits of a jigsaw to workout what happened in my own life so far. Bits appear and I put them together to form the picture of the truth. It's not about discovering falsehoods, they are often known, but the reasons behind them that help you explain your own history and those that you come in contact with. This harder for me than most because part of my history doesn't seem to exist. It is like it was taken away form me and is lost in some kind of cloud. Only the major events exist and peak out through clouds like mountain tops. I feel like the wind trying to blow those clouds away but sometimes they won't move, it is like they are tethered to the earth. If you concentrate one thing that becomes the mountain top and the truth gets hidden in the clouds if you are not careful.

Even when you look at your own history you can see the complexities the subject holds. You can see why people study it and the fascination it holds for them. For even in your own history sometimes others know the motivation for your actions and without knowing that and looking at the whole picture your perception and that others can be changed and the truth lost. It is that truth that historians try to discover and sometimes it is that same thing we must discover in ourselves to take use into the future.

An Outsiders View

Over the last week or so I have been thinking how lovely it is to live in the countryside and how lucky I am to live here. As some of you will know when I work I normally have to go to one of the big cities in the area to do my work. Each day I have to drive through the rush hour traffic and in sit in queues of cars with nothing to look at but houses and more houses. All the time I wonder why we have developed area's so much as to turn them into brickwork jungles and this is reinforced by the stories of anti social behavior you hear on the local radio. Today's story being of arson on a housing estate at the edge of the city. 

Just in traffic terms, I spend half of the time traveling first 26 miles and the other half the last 4 miles. Just in terms of getting about as motorist there is no pleasure in the actual driving itself. I guess there is public transport benefits in terms of buses but with government cut backs kicking in and bus fairs going up it won't be long before some of these start to disappear in some area's of the city. Then if the there is traffic there is the fumes. I remember being living in Leeds on a warm summers afternoon and smelling the fumes from the traffic in the lifeless air. It was horrible. One thing the Government really need to do is look at how to reduce the pollution we put in the air, especially from stationary traffic and the way we develop out of town shopping area's that encourage people to use there cars.

the other problem I have with cities is the planning and design of housing. Row upon row of identical looking buildings. It is just so dull. Just lake cardboard boxes standing in a row. The don't have anything that makes them unique. Of course the planners had good intentions when they set up these estates of houses providing them with focal points such as local shops, pubs, and in some cases community centers. The problem is these focal points have been destroyed due to the closing of the shops because of the competition they faced from the large supermarkets that have taken their trade. With the local shops gone and boarded up, on the whole, these focal points have become different sort of center for the community where the bored youth hang out and sometimes cause trouble. After all, with the closing of community centers and youth centers what else is there for them to do in such boring surroundings. At least fighting and generally being a nuisance is something to do and talk about. What gets me is nobody is doing anything to rectify the problems or changing the way we plan future housing estates. It is one of the things that gets me about the Hawksmead development north west of Oakham. We shouldn't be building more of these social nightmares with loads of high density housing at it's core. You just have to look at some the developments in the cities around Rutland to see that. 

One of the big issues that affect cities is crime of all kinds. Just looking at some of the figures you find that compared to a village some alarming results. A small town such as Oakham has between ten and twenty times the crime of a small village while an area on the outskirts of one of the cites near Oakham has nearly one hundred and fifty times as much crime than a the village. The figures show a clear trend that as you get as you move into more populated area's is increasing crime of all kinds, and as such you are more likely to be a victim of crime or antisocial behavior. Then of course there is the exposure to the drug culture which is clearly more evident in the cities than small towns. It hard to know what to do about these issues but it is clear that putting lots people in high density council type states in cites causes massive social issues which we have failed for tens of years to solve.

Finally education it is clear from the league tables that as you move into the cities the general level of educational attainment falls. This is not so much the educational institutions fault who I'm sure do the best they can but just a result of the environment that the students live in and the stimulus and encouragement they receive. I know from personal experience from teaching within a number of different institutions within cities you find more antisocial behavior in the classroom than you do in more rural areas where the students are more willing to learn. 

Although I can see the advantages of a living in the city to me they don't out weigh the disadvantages. That is a personal thing and I guess I have done my city thing and unlike many people that want to get away I actually managed it. I wouldn't go back unless I was forced to. Small towns I could deal with but not a city unless I really had no choice. I just think that living in such big communities when we isolate ourselves from the people around us by staying in our homes isn't a good thing. Being in a small community has the advantage of knowing the people around you and being able to stop and talk. Cities might have been alright in the past but the way we live today mean we have no involvement in the people around us. The spirt of the old communities has gone and the people have become as faceless as the houses they live in. There are lots of reasons for this and the people are not to blame. It is what we have made society to be. What is worse is they can't escape it. Thankfully being human we do adapt but we should never have really moved away from the small local communities that we were made to live in.

I guess all this has been  brought up by the idea of Lucy moving away. I can't do anything about that. My opinion has no value even if I could actually have it heard by the right people. All I know is I'm glad I live where I do and lucky at that. Moving here was the right thing for all the children and I'm glad I did it. Just a shame it all got messed up along the way.

At the end of the day these are just my views. I like it in Rutland and I love living nature all around me. It so relaxing to be able what the countryside change as we move though the seasons. It just make you appreciate life rather than enduring it. I just hope my family comes to appreciate that too.

Traffic Hell

You know your going to have a bad start to the say as soon as the CD stops playing and the traffic news mentions the A52. It is the main road from the south of Nottingham that most of the traffic uses to enter the city and it is the road I have to take to work.

It would seem todays 4 and a bit mile traffic jam, when I joined the queue, was caused be a Lorry dropping concrete sewage pipes onto the outbound carriageway. Although you wouldn't think that would be too bad given I was inbound the resulting diversions messed up the traffic flows where the A52 is crossed by the A60. 

It was a drivers nightmare, crawling along at 2 to 3 miles per hour at best and stopping every minutes. Nobody was going anywhere fast and even the unmarked police car with it's blue flashing lights was gingerly making it's way through the traffic at a snails pace.

Once you except your fate and you are already late for work a traffic jam can be a nice place to think. At one point while listening to the Peter Bradley Adams track "Song for Viola" I went into a dream world all of my own, it was just a shame reality hit when the traffic started moving. If there was only a way to stay in that world then I would have done. It is all I dream about all the time and seems so beautiful. 

I got to work eventually and on the way home in the afternoon I wondered how much the whole incident had cost. All those people stuck and the money lost because they weren't at work, plus all the fuel used by idle engines. It must have been tens of thousands of pounds if not a lot more. A price was paid for the jam, namely the driver of the lorry was arrested for not securing his load and now will have to face trial so there is some justice in the world of sorts.

Harvest Moon

Tonight is the first time in nearly twenty years that there has been a true harvest moon. For tonight there is a full moon at the time of the autumnal equinox and in some parts of the world there will be a super harvest moon as the sun sets and the moon rises both at the same time. It is such an event that major news sources have commented on it and for me it is fascinating.

Traditionally the light of the Harvest Moon was used by farmers to allow them to harvest the crops late into the night and it is often seems bigger and brighter than other full moons, although this is really an illusion. In many cultures it has a special place and a lot of folklore has grown up about it, for example Witches believe that it symbolizes the Goddess at her most fertile and so becomes a good time for creating change, while in China it's arrival is a time for a mid autumn festival that represents the reunion of families. Examples like this can be found from all around the world.

Since I was young the moon, especially the full moon, has fascinated me.  For some reason really unknown to me I have always thought of the full moon as special in some way. I see it as uniting people who are distant in some way, so maybe the idea of Chinese festival is not to far off the mark. You could say it is fanciful thinking but who knows what is possible in this world that we live in. There is still so much mystery in the world that maybe the old festivals and beliefs have some greater meaning.

A Sunny Autumn Friday

When I woke up this morning a noticed what date it was I noticed it would have been my Mum's birthday today. I still miss her so much as I do the all other people special people in my life that mean or have meant so much to me. It makes you realise how important it is to care about the ones you love and cherish every moment you have with them, however short. Caring about the people we love is the most important thing we do in life. Thankfully nobody can stop us loving the people we do in our lives.

The day was already lovely when the Emily and Catherine got up for school. The sun was shining and the temperature was rising. It was all set to be a fine autumn day. As normal girls made their own packed lunches and soon I was driving Emily to school in Oakham and on my return I made sure Catherine got off school in time. The only different today, from a normal morning, was that Emily took some extra clothes to school. She is staying overnight with a friend and having a her first sleep over since she change school.

When I picked up Lucy I dropped off the rest of her mummies books from our home. Unfortunately one of the boxes broke as I was walking down the walk but thankfully I managed to save the books before they fell on the ground. I did feel bad about the box breaking but the books were just to heavy for the plastic box. Picking up Lucy was rather pleasant today, first I heard Lucy behind the door before it was opened and then I managed to help getting the books inside the house. Being friendly again was nice and it is good for Lucy to see us like that. I hope one day we will be able talk again. It was great to see Lucy knowing I have her for two nights again. I have been looking forward to it all week.

When we got home Lucy showed me all the things she brought with her from her mummies. She is so proud of her new yellow car. It was lovely to see and hear her glowworm again. I can still remember her as a baby listening to her glowworm as she feel asleep. It was nice to think back to those times when she was smaller. Catherine said later it was one of her first birthday present from her mummy and me as far as she can remember. I'm not sure who gave what but I still need to give Lucy a picture of me for her talking photo frame. For most of the morning we just played and had cuddles except for the occasional sitting on the potty time. Which reminds me I really should get a update at how she is doing at her mummies with the potty, but I don't like to bother her.

For lunch Lucy had some Heniz alphabet pasta shapes before we headed out for the afternoon to make the most of the sunshine all rapped up against the cool breeze. Today we headed to Stamford although we knew have much time there as we had to get back for Catherine, but we were determined to make the best use of it.

Taking some old bread with us we head first for the river to feed the ducks. Lucy had a lovely time feeding them. She was laughing and giggling away as she watched the ducks chasing and fighting over the bread she dropped. She even feed a few pigeons who came to see what was on offer. Some of the ducks there are so tame that one family were feeding them off their hands. Lucy was most disappointed when she ran out of bread, but with the promise of the park next she was soon back in the car seat with a ice cream. We will have to take more bread next time so we can stay longer.

We went next Stamford recreation ground near the police station. It is great there for children of all ages as I have said before. The first thing she went on was the single person roundabout. She ran to it as soon as she got through the gate to make sure that nobody else could get it. After while she moved on to the big slide. She can't get up there herself but with a big of help she can manage it. She just loves it and she is so careful crossing the bridge and watching where she put her feet. 

Today was odd in that a little girl a little bit younger than Lucy got stuck at the top of the slide and wouldn't come down. Lucy was waiting behind her and we tried to get Lucy to show the other little girl how to do it but she wouldn't move out the way to let Lucy down. The little girls mother was heavily pregnant and couldn't help her down, so in the end I went up the slide to rescue the her by getting her to slide down with me as I held her hands and slid down backwards. 

After the rescue and playing shops Lucy went on the large swing that Emily and Catherine like so much. Although she didn't want to go high she did smile all the time she was on it and had fun. Before we left she went back to the smaller children's area to play there and on the way out she pushed me around the ring roundabout laughing every time my weight made me speed down towards it's lowest point. We had a great time. 

Before we left Stamford we popped to the Waitrose to get a few things in for dinner. I must say I really like Waitrose and if it wasn't for the cost of the food there and it being so far away I would use it all the time. It is one of my favorite supermarkets. The food quality is so good compared the other supermarkets.

When we got home Catherine was waiting in the garden for us. Lucy was so pleased to see her and beamed from ear and sat down next to her and gave her a cuddle. They both played in the garden for a while before coming inside when the sun went in which put the end to the idea of an after school trip to Langham park, as with the sun gone the air temperature dropped quite a bit. Indoors they watch a DVD on the sofa after they made some cakes with Lucy occasionally getting up to play on her own with her toys. Before long dinner was ready and they both sat down and chatted away together as they ate.

After dinner Catherine and Lucy played together. First they played dressing up and then they went bouncing on the bed for a bit before coming downstairs to play. I think they both enjoyed having some exclusive time together without Emily. I always think with children it works better with even numbers of children rather than odd when someone often gets left out. Talking about children, if she can be called that any more, I do hope Emily is having a nice time. When we phoned her to find out where to pick her up in the morning she said she was busy so I guess that means she is having fun.

Soon it was time for Lucy to go to bed. With Emily being away Catherine helped me with in the bath. Seeing Lucy was having so much fun Catherine put her swimming costume on and got in the bath with her. After we washed her hair and I dried her off Catherine got changed to read her some stories. Finally I read her last story of the night and gave her all her usual hug and kisses from the important people that are close to her. Soon after she was asleep and she looked so lovely and restful. 

Once Lucy was in bed Catherine went off to play on the computers and to catch up on the television she has missed. While she was at school today she went on a trip to RAF Cottesmore for their family day and just before bed she was telling me all about it. It sounded like she had a great time and really enjoyed the air display. I must say i wish I could have gone and seen the base before it closes in a few years time.

Last thing for today, without the books in the downstairs toilet there are big gaps on the shelves. Although the gaps will soon be filled again from the other bookshelves in the house it does look strange without them. They have been there for so long that you know everyone and there existence links to memories of the past just like the small reminders of my Mum which turn up now and again in unsorted boxes. 

Big Brother 11 - Final

I really enjoyed big Brother 11 this year, it is a shame that it is the last ever, well on Channel 4 if rumors are to be believed. It has been a big part of life in terms enjoyment. I'm one of the people that can actually say it did change my life in so many ways. Some good and some bad.

This year the producers of the show seemed to pull out all the stops and actually came up with some great idea's for the tasks and got the right mix of housemates. There were moments of genius from the programme makers that I hadn't seen in the show for year. They even managed to make the last few days interesting to watch which is always hard. All in all it surely must rank as on of the best series.

In the end I think the right person won. Josie was a constantly good housemate who was entertaining and brought a lot of life to the house, she actually deserved to win which is more than can be said of some of the winners of the past. She reminded me of the first ever Big Brother winner. in that she is a caring, honest and genuinely a nice person, so refreshing after some of the wannabes that have been on the show in the past.

Anyone who knows me will know my dislike for Nikki Grahame, so it won't come as a surprise I wasn't pleased to see her go back in the house.  I still believe she should never have been in Big Brother 7 with the problems she had back then. But that aside I think the pick of housemates looks interesting for the Ultimate Big Brother and it should provide a fitting end to the shows run on Channel 4. I just hope it's not the end of something that has entertained us for the last 11 years.

Holiday Time and Daddy Time

As predicted Emily and Catherine both got up early. I could hear them chatting and getting themselves dressed long before it was time to get up. When I did make it downstairs they were watching the television and counting down the minutes until it was time to leave. 

While I had my coffee, as well as being asked the time again and again, I was asked to get a long range weather forecast for where Emily and Catherine are going on holiday. Lucky for them it looks likes it is going to be mainly sunny for the whole time they are there. They are off to Skegness area for a family Holiday with their mothers side of the family. Possibly the last.

After a shave and shower it was off to go and get Lucy from her mummies. Catherine stayed at home and Emily came with me to take the rubbish from the cleaning down to the recycling centre. Lucy was so pleased to see Emily in the car, they normally stay at home now when I pick her up. They talked all the way to the recycling centre and all the way home. 

As soon as we got home it was time to for Emily and Catherine to get their stuff together for the holiday. I played with Lucy in the garden for the five minutes it took and off we went went down the walk again, only stopping to pick some blackberries for Lucy along the way. We headed up the A1 to Lincolnshire and the McDonald's at the junction of the A57. This was the point where I was dropping Emily and Catherine off. Ir was from here that they where continued their journey. As a trip it is not to bad and only takes about 50 minutes. The advantage of using it as a drop off point is the food is cheap so Lucy had something to eat before we headed home. I thought she might drop off along the way, but she didn't sleep at all. She chatted or just looked out the window until we got home. I was so impressed on how good she was in the car.

When we got home it was straight out with the toys and we started to play together. Sometime ago I got Lucy a patten matching game at the School bring and buy. She really hadn't shown much interest in it until today. We sat down together and started to play with it. Soon she started to get the idea of how to match the colours to the correct pictures. What was really good was that the game held her interest until the end. She didn't get distracted and wander off. We will have to play it again. 

Once we finished with this game we went into the family room and watched a bit of Peppa Pig on the computer before we headed out in the garden to play in the sun and on her tricycle. We had all the usual filling her tricycle with petrol and fixing it when it went wrong.

With the weather being so good it we couldn't miss the opportunity to go off to Oakham park and have some fun to enjoy the weather. So off we headed via the shops to pick up some drinks to take with us. As I expected it was quite busy but not to bad, Thankfully it was easy to find somewhere to park the car.

Lucy loves Oakham park and she goes there with her mummy and grandma too. It's nice to have space for her we all take her. Soon she was off on the small climbing frame and sliding and running down the slides. I was encouraging when she got to the bottom of the slide to play on the hop scotch by showing her what to do and she joined in with my game. Soon we were having a rest from the heat at the small table and drank our drinks before heading off to the roundabout. As usual she pushed me around before it was my turn to push her. When someone else came up to play on the roundabout she got off and offered to push them. This time it was for a little boy her was about six months younger than her. She is so good at pushing the younger children and does it so carefully. It made me smile. 

When we got home we watched some Pingu, before she decided that the toy box need to be investigated. Soon we were play office and she was answering the phone and passing it to me to join in. It was nice to see her using both the phone and her toy computer in the game. She would answer the phone, then go and type on the computer before answering and hanging up the call. 

The last thing we did before I had to go and cook dinner was read. In the toy box she found a Peppa Pig book and we read it again and again. In the end she was starting to tell me the story as she turned the pages.

After dinner it was out with the wooden train set. I made her a track and soon we were playing together and when it came to tidying up I wasn't allowed to put it away. I will have to remember to set up the track before she comes back again.

 

As always the time for Lucy to go back to her mummies came to soon for me. With the sweets we forgot on Sunday for her and her other sister we headed to Oakham and she was gone again until the next time we are together.

During the afternoon I got a phone call from Emily. Seems the place they are staying is fantastic and it is so big they have been given a map so they don't get lost. It was lovely when she said I she wished I could be there. I haven't been on a holiday with them since we went to Durham with Kiz before Lucy was born. The following summer my mum and died and Kiz was pregnant and when we did have the money we didn't go the year after, not that I didn't want to. I'm sure we will one day we will all have another holiday and this time Lucy will be there too.

It has been a lovely day with Lucy. I was sad to see the Emily and Catherine but know they are going to have a great time. 

Reflection

There is one good thing about having a Sunday to myself until I have to go and pick up Emily and Catherine from there mum's, it sometimes gives me time to think and reflect upon the past and look towards the future. I have grown to like this time and miss it when I don't have the time to do it.

I think reflection is a important thing to do and it allows us avoid the mistakes of the past and move onward into the future knowing what we want in life. The hardest thing about this process is being honest with yourself about what you have done and where you might have been wrong and rather than covering it up. By doing the former you can forgive yourself and allow other people to forgive you which is not always an easy thing to do, however once you do this you can find understanding of what really went wrong. Talking to those involved helps speed up this process, but this isn't always a option and sometimes we are just left with self reflection which is the hardest type of reflection to do. It something we all should try and do because by covering things up and changing history to stay in control the way forward is blocked. This way of thinking is just a way of running away and not seeing what really happened and why. All this results in is that you just make the same mistakes again and again and you blunder on through life wondering why your world always falls apart making you feel so out of control. When you are out of control life becomes one big panic, a constant running away rather than standing and looking and understanding the problem and dealing with it before it becomes so big that it crashes in on top of us. 

Control is a funny thing. It is something we all like to feel about our lives, that we need to be "in control", but the fact is we are only in control to some degree and not totally. For example we can't control the world and the people around us. The best we can do to the people is suggest a direction that is in tune with our own and the world around us is always pulling surprises that are as unpredictable as a long range weather forecast. It is this that makea the world in we live in grey and not black and white. Most of us realise this and understand that is how life is and this allows us to reflect upon our lives. A mind that strives to be constantly in control will see things as "black and white" or "right or wrong" and feel the need to justify life choices in the same way. For minds like this reflection is hard and brings back the pain of the past and the areas of grey that can cause panic and the things that nightmares are made of. In this pain gets lost the good that was there for that sometimes has to be buried as much as what caused the mind to be like this in the first place, however it is sometimes in this state that reflection occurs and these minds see clarity before they try and regain control and bury the truth they have just discovered. 

Thankfully understand not everything is "black and white". We know that there are things we can't do anything about, however there are times we feel we are totally responsible for everything that goes wrong and it is only through reflection and talking about the past that we can find out what really happened. I have been in that place were I felt and was told it was all my fault and I'm still in that place to some degree, but by looking back and understanding I can make sense of my role in the past and that of others. This allows me distinguish between those roles and discover the truth. I'm slowly returning to the person I was and doing the things with I use to do with the children. In order to do that I have made an effort to understand all I can about the recent past in an attempt to rediscover myself. Somewhere in the last few years I lost sight of who I was, however I knew one thing that was true which still is.

Somewhere I have lost some years and I know they are still there to be rediscovered and worked on. The middle is still rather misty and the fog has yet to clear. I know I will get there and I will rejoice in the rediscovery of the good and understand the bad. Although I'm not there yet or fully healed I do know where I am roughly heading which is better than the place at all because I had the time of reflection.

One thing is for sure I know I will get there as long as I have time to reflect and do it with an open mind. I will do this because I'm determined to heal the past for the sake of the future. I don't blame anybody for all that has happened, it just how things are, the way of the world and how affects us that can't be controlled. I will discover the truth as much as I can and forgive others and myself and move onward....