Time Out

It doesn't seem often enough that I take time out from the problems of life and immerse myself into another world. Being not the greatest television watcher and being able to not affording go to the theatre this means finding a game I can play that takes me to another world.

The game of choice really did take me to another world full of hostile aliens after my blood and that of the human race. The game in question was original Halo game, Combat Evolved, that was first released in 2001 with the launch of the Xbox gaming system which took the world by storm. The version I played tonight was the Apple Mac version launched a couple of years later back in 2003. Although owning the original Xbox version and an old Xbox to play it on the graphics on the even my old MacMini are better as is the sound. It still looks good and the game play is wonderful.

I'm just glad I have a machine I can play it on. The MacMini is one of the original machines produced in 2005. It is 7 years old this year and still going strong. In fact it is still being used for things like Facebook, general office work, web browsing and blog writing. I have plans to use it later in its life to play music and video via a flat screen TV when I can afford one.

It was a great way to spend an evening, given there wasn't much else to do and at least it is more interactive than watching some rubbish on television of flicking thought the channels and not finding anything to watch. Playing it tonight I can see why Emily and her friends have fallen in love with the series of games. It is one hell of a game.

Spring is in the Air

The weather might not be as mild as it was a few days ago but there is that feeling that spring is in the air, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. The birds are singing thier spring songs and even some of the trees are budding early after what, despite the snow of a few weeks ago has been a mild winter.

Spring official starts in a few day but it's not normally underway as early as this. What surprised me was the budding trees which you don't expect to mid March. It has also been surprisingly dry all winter. I can't think of any real periods of rain that lasted from one day to the next, like I remember from past winters.  I have also noticed we haven't had the week upon week of temperatures below zero of recent winters. There is one thing is that seems certain the scientists fears about the climate changing seems right. Spring seems to be in the Air.

Well Done Catmose College

A big well done to all the staff and students at Catmose College for the outstanding OFSTED report. Grade One across the board. It doesn't get any better than that.

With another school in the county achieving the top OFSTED rating Rutland is fast becoming the place to educate your children, if it isn't already. School after school is entering that elite group of educational establishments that are award this honour. What pleases me as a parent is that both Emily and Catherine are, and have been, educated in state schools that are the best in the country. Their primary school was awarded the top grade while they were there and now the same thing has happened to their secondary school.

Rutland has a lot going for it and now added to that is the education system. It is a wonderful place to live. Lets just hope the County Council don't ruin it through their greed and over develop one of the most beautiful places in England.

Another Strange Day

It been another of those rather strange days without any kind of logical reason why it felt that way. I guess, I should be use to them by now, there have been a few this year already.

I just wish I knew why I have them and what causes them to touch me in such a way as they do. Something small changed and not sure what. It feels like I am connected to something and I'm not sure why. It been this way for a while now.

Like they say tomorrow is another day, and who know what it will bring. Hopefully it something brighter and much more fun than was had today and a nice sunny day too.

Taste of Spring

Today saw the warmest day of the year so far. A far contrast to the cold of just few weeks ago when there was snow on the ground and spring seemed so far off. I gave us a taste with what is to come as the winter moves to into spring and flowers fill the garden.

With temperatures in the mid teens and the sun shining it has been really been a lovely day. It even saw me get out into the garden and start on clearing up some of the dead plants and clear some of the leaves so the new growth can make it's way to the surface with ease. 

I love spring and seeing the garden and the countryside at it's best and I can wait for the warm weather to return in earnest and days lengthen as we approach the summer. It is a time of renewal, rebirth and new starts. Roll on the spring.

One Born Every Minute

Tonight I found myself watching one born on Channel 4. I don't know the last time I felt so emotional as seeing a little girl born Cesarean section. I just took me back seeing the mother and the father the time when Lucy was born and all the emotions since then welled up in me. It just shock my whole being until I managed to regain control, especially given what has happened since. All the same, it took me back to one of the most amazing experiences and happiest time of my life. 

That aside, it is a wonderful programme and I can see why the programme makers decided it would make a good subject of a documentary series. The there is a natural drama about child birth and lots of emotion and it often has a happy ending. I'm not sure if I would watch it again, because of the memories it invoked, but that for personal reason and not because there is anything wrong with the programme itself. It is well made and importantly well edited. It takes the myths out of child birth and presents things as they really are and that has to be a good thing.

NHS Direct

Whenever you are at the Doctors or a Hospital there are posters up urging you to call NHS Direct if you have any kinds of concerns about you health or your families health before you turn to the Doctor or the emergency services. The aim is to lighten the load of the front line medical services by giving people the information to self treat themselves when the use of the front line services is not needed.

Now here comes the problem, in order to do that NHS Direct has to have the manpower to do their job effectively, and in these times of cuts, this service seems to be crumbling under the pressure. If there aren't enough people able to give advice then what is the point of the system. Now it could be that the service has just been too successful and people are over using the service, or it just be it is under funded. Either way there are not enough staff to meet the demand. People with less urgent cases are being told there is a six hour wait to be called back by a nurse only to find they call back some fifteen hours later. By this time they have given up and take themselves off to a local doctors out of hours service or in the worse cases take themselves to accident and emergency. This clearly defeats the purpose of having NHS Direct, by putting the strain back on to front line services. 

Clearly what is need is more funding being put into this service to make the service work. In this economic climate that  funding is highly unlikely to appear, although it would create jobs and hence a degree of growth in the economy, while providing a service that people use that is needed. My concern is if the service is this bad now what is going to happen to it when the planned Government changes come into place. Being a central service who and how is it going to be funded in future. My fear is that a service we all use, and need from time to time, will find it's funding cut year after year. I have already noticed the systems that NHS Direct have developed are already being employed in regional out of hours services, provided by private companies. The people in future holding the funding won't be looking a the national picture just at the can provide in their own area's.

I guess with the Government not listening to the health professionals and being set to do what they want do, however unpopular, we will see this service getting worse and worse until it disappears altogether. Personally I think that would be one of the biggest steps backwards and could cost lives

Winter Sunshine

At last the sort of day I have been waiting for. The day was dry and in the sunshine it was warm. Just what we needed to get out of the house and have some fun. Although, in the middle of the night I thought the day would be quite different.

It was in the middle of the night that Lucy woke coughing and crying. It is not the sound you like to hear as a parent and I was quickly in her room to give her a cuddle. I just hoped she wasn't coming down with anything, but i managed to get her to settle down again. It was just as I was falling asleep she started to cry and call out my name again. Again after getting her to settle again I returned to the my bed only to be woken again. Finally after a long cuddle she drifted off for the rest of the night. It is so unlike Lucy to stir until morning, so I was concerned she was coming down with something.

With Lucy waking in the night the morning came late to the house. I had to wake up Lucy rather than the other way round. I did gently, telling she could sleep if she wanted to, but telling her too it was morning. I had my coffee alone and texting her mummy telling her she might be coming down with something.  It wasn't long before Lucy appeared and I got her a drink and we sat together as she woke up, before too long Catharine joined us and we had breakfast together. I guess, like an parent, I was looking for anything to explain the waking in the night. All I noticed was she had a cough like the coming of a cold and her nose seemed to be blocked.

The girls played together for most of the morning until Emily came home and took over completely from Catherine with Lucy. She was determined to make up the limited time she had left with Lucy and made the best use of it she could. I just got on with cooking Sunday Lunch. Given it was the only time were altogether it was the only chance we really had to all sit down together to eat, and we all had a lovely time at the table together.

By the time the afternoon came the moment I have been looking forward to for so long came. The sunny weather of the morning had dried out the ground, and although it was a bit chilly in the shade, in the sunshine it was warm enough to get out to the park. Emily and Catherine tired from all the sleep overs decided to stay at home and I headed out with Lucy to have some fun.

It was lovely in the park. On the way there we watch a rather large birds of pray soaring on the thermals over the village, and just as we got to the park Lucy spotted the birds mate in a tree, as the bird we had been watching landed. It was a lovely sight. Once we got into the park it was beautiful, the sun was shining and so were Lucy's eyes. She had been longing to go to the park just as much as I had been longing to take her. We didn't have long to play there because I had cooked a meal at lunch time but we made the most of the time. It was amazing the things she can do now she couldn't the last time we were there. She soon will be able to do most of the original trim trail all by herself. The only thing she couldn't do was walk along the round log, but she we soon have that sorted.Thankfully there was enough time to do all she wanted before we had to leave, and after a couple of final goes on the slide before we left we headed back home.

When we got home it time for the rush and today everyone had to help out. Time was tight after our trip to the park and we had to get everything done in less time than normal. Thankfully we managed to get Lucy in the bath, her hair washed, dried and dressed in the clean clothes and she was ready just before it was time to leave. It meant she didn't have any more time to play, but we did have fun in the park instead.

 

The drive to the city was quiet as always. We just listened to music and the only thing that Lucy really talked about when was what she was going to do when she "comes back tomorrow", I had to tell  her she couldn't come, although she is more than welcome to stay as long as she wants. I then end I had to say that if she wanted extra sleeps she needed to ask her mummy, something I have seemed to be saying for the last month or so.

The drop off themselves of late are getting rather amusing and this one was a classic, but still the drive home from the city without Lucy is always rather odd. Although you know Lucy won't be there when you get home in you mind, the fact that she is not physically there hits you as soon as you get in the door and don't walk her down to the house from the car. The dynamics of the house changes and it all seems different. It takes a few days for this feeling to go away and be replaced with a different type of normality returns to the house. 

It has been a lovely weekend. I have loved having Lucy at home and loved watching her playing with her sisters, giving me cuddles and the time we have had to alone. The one highlight has to be going to the park again. I have longed to get out in the fresh air with her and have some fun which finally we did. The downside has to be all that came before the weekend. I really wanted her longer and feel so let down by all the mess. It just a shame it is this way and I wonder what we are doing to this poor child.

Showery Saturday

It was one of those days that weather couldn't really decide what to do. At one moment it was windy and then in another there was a shower, then at other the sun was out and if it was any other time of the year you would consider it as glorious. A really mixture of weather all in one day and one of those days you end up staying indoors.

The morning started with the call of Lucy's voice announcing the start of the day. Soon we were both downstairs enjoying a cuddle in the chair while we watched television, drank our drinks and generally woke up before breakfast.

It was after we had eaten that we moved into the family room to play for the morning. I just messed with the computer in their for bit reading the news, on and off, while Lucy either played around me or had me joining in her games. At one point we both sat watching babies laughing on You Tube. Something that she seems to love to do. This kept us going until about eleven when we went off to pick up Catherine from her friends in one of the near by villages.

When we got home with Catherine Lucy went off to play with her while I cleaned cooker and got on with making everyone some lunch. Lucy was so pleased to see her again, she must have ben missing her, but I know the person she just loves to see is her big sister Emily who was coming home later, for a while at least.

The afternoon was spent indoors playing mainly because of the weather. We did at one point think about going to Mini Monsters but we decided it would be better to save the money for another day. As it was we found enough to do to keep us going and playing for most of the afternoon without resorting to watching television or DVD's until Emily arrived home from Millie's.

When Emily arrived home she crept into house to surprise. On seeing her, Lucy shouted her name and rushed at her for a hug. In fact, Lucy ran at her and hugged her legs so hard it was all Emily could do to stop herself falling over. Soon they went off to play and Emily started up to make up for lost time.

After dinner, Emily headed out again after a shower and Lucy had to say goodbye to her again. This time Emily was off to a party and she was going to stay over with Anna for the night. She is a busy girl these days and she even keeps a dairy of what is coming up on the computer. Lucy just settled down to play again which took her nicely up to bedtime. Tonight she had a extra couple of stores from Catherine before I read her a story, gave her her cuddles and kisses and she drifted off to sleep. Catherine went on Facebook to chat with her friends until bedtime and the house fell quiet.

It been a super day with the girls even though the bigger girls have been coming and going and with most of another day to come with Lucy I can't wait until tomorrow. Lets hope the weather is better.

Dad 's Taxi Service

Today  seemed like forever to arrive, especially given the problems with seeing Lucy over the holidays, but today was the day Lucy was coming to stay for a couple of nights. It was something we were all looking forward too so much.

Given the sleep over the night before, and the later bedtime that comes with it, it seemed like an early start to the day. I was up first just after eight and everyone was still asleep as I started the day with a nice warm cup of coffee. Just what I needed to get myself going before having a wash and a shave and heading out to pick up Lucy for the weekend.

The drive to the city and picking up Lucy were rather uneventful. On the way home we chatted about this and that and what she had been up to over the holidays, which didn't seem much. It is amazing how much she changes every time I see her. She just seems to grow up so much in such a short space of time.

When we got home Emily and Catherine and her friends were waiting for us. Both girls gave Lucy a big welcome before Lucy went shy on seeing Catherine's friends. Soon Catherine's friends managed to win her round and Lucy joined in the fun in the family room.

Just before lunch Catherine friends departed and we dropped off Emily at her at her friends Millie's, for yet another sleep over, before heading out to the supermarket for food. A grand time was had pushing Lucy round in the trolly as she collected things and placed them around her. I love going shopping with her, she so easy to please compared with the older girls, who always want this and that.

When we got home I got on with making lunch for everyone and once that was out of the way Lucy went off to play with Catherine for the early part of the afternoon. It was lovely to hear them playing and having her pop in and see me for a cuddle now and again. I just love the way she does that and, to be honest, I'm not looking forward to the time she grows out of it.

Towards the middle of the afternoon it was off out again in Daddy's taxi. This time to take Catherine off for her second sleep over of the week at her friends, which left Lucy at home as the only child. She loved the attention and soon we got down to playing with her train set she had for her birthday in the family room. We had a ball of a time until dinner.

After dinner it was back to playing, this time with her cooker and her doctors set. This kept us occupied until bed time came and one tired little girl head off to bed and sleep, after her stories and cuddles from the people she loves.

It been a strange day in that I feel I have been ferrying people around all day, something I don't do too often. Not that I mind the driving but I don't normally have the money for the fuel. Other than that it has been a smashing day and it been great to have Lucy here to stay at  last.

Sleep Over Number Two

The day started late after the sleep over the night before. Everyone was tired and nobody was in the mood for getting up early. Good thing too, who wants a load of grumpy young people about with attitude. It is best to let everyone wake up as and when they want.

I was first up by a long way this morning. As you can imagine, after a sleep over and the late night talking, the girls didn't get up to late. Thankfully nobody had anything planned at home for the first part of the morning. It wasn't until just before eleven that anything really happened when Catherine headed out to Oakham to met up with her friends for the day in one of the towns coffee shops. When Emily and Millie got up they went off to family room to finish off a game on the X-box before heading out themselves in to town with some money to buy some lunch.

The afternoon was relatively quite compared to the afternoon before when the girls got home. It was nice to relax and do some jobs around the house before they started returning. And return they did, Catherine had managed to arrange for her friends to stay for a sleep over and being the holidays I agreed. So just after dinner I went into Oakham and pick them all up.

It was strange when we go in the house and one of Catherine's friends pointed to a picture of Lucy's other sister and said her name. It took Catherine by surprise that one of her friends knew her, and I went on that they would met her little sister in the morning. Anyway, they all took themselves off to the family room  do whatever eleven year olds do when they have sleep overs, a lot of which seemed to revolve around computers and mobile phones.

Later in the evening Emily came back from Millie's and joined her sister in the family room with her friends. At the start she felt rather the left out. It is amazing the difference a year can make. Emily and her friends seem so much older than Catherine and her friends in what they do and want to do. In the end she managed with her charm to join in and by the time they all went up stairs they all seemed at home together.

It is rather refreshing to have young people around the house and listen and watch them having fun. I can't wait until the morning to see Lucy again after all that went on earlier in the week. Like they say, tomorrow is a day full of possibilities.

Girls Return to a Sleep Over

At last Emily and Catherine returned home. I picked them up at the normal place just after one. They had a great time at their mum, as aways, and they managed to pack a lot in such a short space of time. I had offered their mum some extra time given Lucy wasn't coming to stay, but we couldn't arrange a pick up time on Thursday that worked and Emily had something planned for later in the day in Rutland, that turned out couldn't be changed, so in the end they both returned home when planned.

We got home about two. It was great to have them home again and the house became alive with the sound of young people. An hour later Emily's friend Millie turned up with her things to stay the night. She was here for a sleep over with Emily and she came early for dinner because her dad had to go to work. We hardly saw them both all afternoon, they both went off to Lucy room and played music and messed on the computer as they both caught up with each other and their news. They are the best friends and it looks they always will be.

It wasn't until before dinner they both appeared searching for food and something to drink. They didn't have long to wait and soon they were at the table eating a roast chicken dinner. Everyone enjoyed it, especially Millie who won a gold star for cleaning her plate. There wasn't even a pea left.

In the evening they both spent their time in the family room and with nothing on television we all sort moved into the room with them. Soon we were all playing on the X box, chatting and just generally having a laugh and having fun. Emily and Millie did have a plan to watch a film but in the end that all went by the board. It turned out to be a lovely way to spend the evening and a lot of the early part of the night. We all had a good time before it was time for everyone to retire for the night.

More Mess

As keen readers of the blog will have know this is week that I expected to see more of Lucy and make up some of time the I have missed out on because of her moving to Leicester. The same readers will also know that I was promised that I could make up at least sometime over the school holidays, this week being one of those holidays.

I blogged, recently, that I was waiting for a text to arrange the week ahead. I had been waiting for it for a few weeks. I really don't like texting Lucy's mummy given the anger that is projected back at me when I have texted her first in the past. It is just easier to wait and not bother her and let her do things in her own time. 

Today I gave up and sent that first text. I really had no choice. I hadn't heard anything about the school holidays. I expected back something that would allow us to make some kind of arrangement for the week ahead, after all I was promised more time in the holidays and I have made it known that is what I want, time and time again After all I want to see her as much as possible and I was told by someone I trust to do just that.

Anyway, the arrangent was never made, in fact I got a straight forward NO you can't have her and I have plans for the week and that is that. It seems that seeing our daughter didn't factor into those plans and I was told that I had asked too late. Lucy's mummy said she couldn't and would't change her plans. I kept explaining why I hadn't texted soon and asking to see her. All got the same response. l thought, was so much for the promise of the past that I could make up lost time. Like all the others promises made long ago, there is no evidence it will ever be kept. In fact like all those promise it appears to be empty. It is such a shame because it could help rebuild trust.

I was so hurt that I was being told I couldn't see our daughter in such away. I was so looking forward to see her, as was Lucy when I mentioned it the last time I saw her. The whole thing turned in to some kind of text war, which I hate so much because of all the anger comes at me at times. I was even accused of being "cross" because I wasn't getting my own way when in reality was I was just so upset that my request for access was being treated in such away. I just wanted what I was promised in the past and I was hitting a brick wall.

As the text war went on I discovered the truth. The plans for Lucy and what she was doing over the school holidays were made a good month ago, back in early January. I had no chance of seeing her even if I had texted weeks earlier. I wasn't informed of any of these plans or asked if I wanted to see her. I wasn't considered. What makes that worse is her mummy knew I wanted to see her as much as I possible without me texting. I had been given a promise of making up for lost time during the holidays. I trusted that this would be followed through and now that has been ruined. In fact in the end I got blamed again for not texting sooner, although I had no idea I should have been doing it as soon as the Christmas Holidays was over.

No attempt was made to contact me in January. The fact I had contacted her late was just being used as an excuse. The truth is those plans were made long before I even thought about the holiday. I just assumed what said to about me making up the lost time would be factored in to any planning for the school holidays. As usual I was blamed for the mess. I was made to feel that I was being thoughtless and selfish. It seems so unfair. I was just waiting for text telling me what was happening so we could make arrangements. It wasn't me that had made plans to have see Lucy all week a "good month ago". I'm so fed up of being the one that gets blamed for everything that is wrong with the world, even if I know and understand the reasons why this happens.

You would have thought that someone that knows the perils of nearly complete family breakdown would know that what is happening now will cause so much damage in the future for Lucy. It is no good to carry on fighting like this, especially when at least one of us doesn't want to be fighting at all. It is just pointless and this can't carry on. It is time to build bridges, move forward and rebuild the trust. It's not time to ruin the last bit of trust that is there. It doesn't take much to consider other peoples wishes when making plans. Things can be better than this and they need to be. We can't ruin a little life in such a way. The projection of anger on to me has to stop. It isn't all my fault, hardly any of it is if the truth be known.

I made a promise to a little girl, the last time I saw her, that she could have more sleeps the next time she came. I broke that promise. That hurts so much. I meant every word of that promise and in the end I failed to deliver. It might not be my fault but I still feel bad about it. My family means so much me. The worse thing is, that arguments like this and broken promises, as well as the lies, will result in us damaging how she see relationships, and this in turn will damage her and her own relationships in the future. I'm sorry to be blunt, but trust me, I have seen what it can do to people. I don't want the same thing to happen to her. It worries me what the future holds for her.

The House Falls Quiet Again

With the coming of the school holidays the house has fallen quiet again. Emily and Catherine have left and they are off to see their mum for the first part of the week, and although it is nice to have some peace I must say I do miss them when they are gone. The house just seems dead compared to when they are here.

Hopefully when they come back the house will come alive again and then their is an extended stay for Lucy coming up next weekend, I hope. I know how much she enjoyed her extra time the last time she was here. All I am waiting for is the text from her mummy asking me or telling me when she is coming to stay. I would text her but I don't like to bother her. Hopefully we can have her for a while to make up for some of the time I have missed out on. By then this rotten cold should be gone.

More Snow

The cold spell continues in the county and to add to the ice that is already on the ground new snow has been falling. According to the weather reports the snow will fall most of the night and it will be heavy at times. All the good work by the council and the farmers in clearing the roads will all be undone and they will have start again.

Of course for everyone this means more money will be spent on heating and schools could be closed meaning people will have to take a day off work. However there is an up side to this at the weekend, if the weather continues as forecast there will be lots of fun to be had in the snow for the children and grown up children alike.

For those worried about heating bills the thaw is currently set to start in the area sometime next week, but night time tempratures are set to stay around freezing in the countryside for sometime to come.

Enigma

Today I rebuilt an old computer that I could use to write the blog without having to be wired to the home local area network. As long term readers of the blog will know both of my Apple portables have be involved in accidents. The Mac Book has a broken screen and the iBook has a broken power supply, both accidents were Lucy related. The remaining Apple machine, a old Mac Mini doesn't have a wireless card making it hard to use in the living room.

Thankfully it doesn't take much processing power to write a blog. All you need is a computer you can go on the internet with. In this case a old single core Pentium IV class machine with a decent graphics card, a reasonable amount of memory, a small hard disk and an ancient wireless card. The trick is not to load it up with the latest operating system and expect it to be fast, but instead load it with a operating system and software that it was originally intended to use and watch it fly.

During the process of loading the operating system the original hard disk I was using failed and I had to use another disk that probably hadn't been used for 5 years looking at the date of the files that I backed up. It was one the hard disk of my main machine. On the disk was a simulation of an Enigma machine that was used by the Germans to code messages in the Second World War and lead to the construction of one of the worlds first computers. Emily was with me and I explained how it worked.

Codes have always fascinated for years and it is easy to devise simple codes you can use. The one thing about the Enigma code was it wasn't that easy to crack and without the work of some very great brains would have remained that way. Even the Boffin's at the famous Bletchley Park didn't manage to decipher everything. In fact, some of the coded messages weren't broken until over Sixty years after they were sent.

The enigma machines were a mixture of mechanical and electrical components. None of the computer components and mixture of electronics you would expect to find today. In order to show how it worked I typed in a simple message after setting the machine up and showed Emily the output:

GIDM TGXE WOYO GFYE NHEZ EHSX JCBU LNDN PWHU UYML GWBK UJCV GPRW URDE IFBX IWVO SQYO JSSY HPWB JGHS ICZU DKHJ Y

Then to show her how to decode the message I reset the machine and typed in the encrypted message and out of the machine came the original message as if by magic. It was part of the beauty of the system that the same machine could be used to encode and decode the message as long as you both had the same starting setup.

As someone that has always been interested in computing history, the story behind how the codes were cracked and how that lead to the construction of the first computers is a fasinanting one. Hopefully I manged to pass on some of that interest to Emily, who loves anything mathamatical. She seemed fasinated with the simulator and was soon entering her own messages and decoding them.

Thoughts

One thing about life is you have to aim for the best. You only have one shot at it and when you know what you want you just have to go for it. They is nothing else you can do. If believe in something then you have to follow it through. The future is always bright if you see it that way and put the past behind you and move forward. Any problem can be overcome if you have the courage to tackle things and believe.

If you have a goal you have to work towards it however hard that goal is to achieve. You just have to travel that path and get to where you are going. You might never get there, but unless you do it is certain that you will never get to where you want to be. It is better to set out than fail than never to start out in the first place. One thing is for sure along the way you will learn about yourself and what you want from life.

At the moment I travel a path, knowing my goal, but not knowing I if I will get to where I want to be, but I'm always hopeful of getting there. I'm not giving up. Sometimes new obstacles appear and sometimes old one appear again. sometimes they are ones you thought that you had overcome but come back to hinder your progress. These words that come at you that you have heard before.. This isn't a bad thing if it helps you move forward.

Knowing that these voices are appearing again helps you understand the past. It dots the i\s and crosses the t's as they say. I understand why this happens, and the motives are good, but I do question if they know the whole story. All the same who does unless you listen to both sides and can see the whole picture.

But that is an aside. The only thing you can do is things your best to you ability and hope along the way you don't cause to much mess. I know what is important to me. I know the happy medium I want to get too and it might not be what others expect. Living in the now is where I am. What I am about is using what is in the now to shape the future. It is what we all do. It is just learnt behavior that offer stops us getting there.

We all have to face the problems of the past. A lot of people play the blame game without knowing everything. We can't always correct the problems of the past or see the mess we created, but we can stick by how we feel and what we say. If you believe in something strongly enough you have to stick by it. Life moves on, yes, and you go with it but that never changes the fact you have the same beliefs about life you have always had. Nobody can take away what you really feel and want to give, They are yours and only you can decide watt you feel and how much you are prepared to give without losing who you are.

When things seem hopeless people fight on, it is what makes heros of ordinary people. I'm anything but that, but I know giving up on making a better life is not one that anyone should give up on. At the end of the day you might lose the fight, but if you really believe in something. I is fight you have to have.

The Extra Day

Another cold night was followed by a cold day, but it wasn't cold in other ways, because today was a bonus, an extra day with Lucy. All because of the snow the day before and the fact that a lot of the roads were covered in ice. 

For once Emily and Catherine were first up and by the time Lucy had got out of bed they were busy getting ready for school. As soon as I heard Lucy chatting to them, I got up too and head downstairs with Lucy and her things and we snuggled up to watch the television before everyone had breakfast and the older girls headed off for school. It was sweet they way she gave them both a kiss and a cuddle before they left, but then again at that point we didn't think she would see them again until she came again.

That was all to change when I noticed a text telling me to drop her off later than expected. This was because her mummy had some kind of important appointment she couldn't miss. The time change would mean a later dinner for everyone but I was more than happy to accommodate the change. I'm willing to do what I can to help as I have in the past as long, as long it doesn't take the limited time we have with her now away from us. We all have things that crop up in our lives and it had the added advantage that she would see Emily and Catherine before she head back to the city.

The morning was spent doing a mixture of things. Most of them revolved around playing and generally having fun. It was as the morning wore on that I noticed once again that Lucy was getting rather clingy when I went to empty the bin and she wanted to come with me and ended up having a tantrum because I said no. As normal I said I wasn't going any where and explained about the cold and the snow, but in the end she had to come with me. I do worry and I hope she will grow out of it. I can't remember having the same sort of attachment issues with Emily and Catherine. 

Anyway, as we got to the end of the morning we head out to the supermarket to get some lunch and dinner for later in the day. I never keep much food in the house and we never have much waste. It works well in that way and by normally combining trips it reduces petrol costs too. Lucy had great fun in the supermarket and I did too. I'm tying to teach her abut food and getting to test the fresh vegetables and stuff. I still love the way she charms people and then goes all shy. She has always done it, it is those lovely big blue eyes. 

When we got home I got on with making lunch and after we ate we got on with having fun. This took us up the start of the rush. In the morning I had washed all her clothes and the things she brought with her. All that was left to do was get her ready for going back to the city. This process started earlier than normal, it normally starts in the last hour, but that hour was reserved given the time change to play with her sisters. Soon she was all clean, hair brushed and dried and dressed ready to go back, and all just in time for her sisters return.

They played for the hour they had together in the family room. It was all too short, but that is life, and soon I was in the car with Lucy heading for the city. It was a quiet drive. We just listened to music and we chatted now and again, although for once she said something that made me smile. Just before we arrived I promised her she could have extra sleeps next time she came because of the holidays and her face beamed. It was lovely. All too soon we arrived she was gone and I drove back to the countryside with an empty car seat in the back. 

As soon as I got back I got on with making everyone dinner. We were all hungry, so I cooked the food as quickly as I could and soon we were all sitting down reflecting on the day and the weekend we all had together. We had a lovely time and the extra day with Lucy was a big hit with her sisters.

As we moved into the later part of the evening Emily and Catherine did what they normally do. They started catching up on the programmes they missed and with friends on Facebook. And when they weren't doing that you could hear the sound of music coming from their computers as they listened to the singers and bands they love so much. It's funny that Catherine now seems to be entering that practicing teenage phase but she hasn't quite got it yet, the child is still winning. Anyway soon they head to bed with another early start in the morning.

The fact that Lucy had enjoyed staying an extra night was summed up in what she told Catherine before she left and what she told me in the car when she was going back to the city. She said to both of us that she was going to her mummy's for dinner to she her mummy and she was going to come back in the morning with her wellington boots in the tomorrow to stay for more sleeps. I thought it was rather sweet and it made me smile and with half term coming up the next time she comes she will have a few extra sleeps that she so desires. I hope we can make them just fun for her and like her I can't wait for them to come along.

A White Sunday

After the excitement of the snow falling last night came the excitement of getting to play in it today. Seven to eight centimetres had fallen over a five hour period and it looks just right for having fun in.

The first thing that Lucy did when I went into see her in the morning was to look out of the window at the snow that had fallen. You could tell she from what she said tat she just wanted to get out and play in the snow, but that was going to have to wait until her sisters got out of bed. In the meantime she came down with me and we snuggled up in the warm and watched television and played while we waited for them to appear.

It was while were waiting that I noticed the mobile phone had a text message on it. It was from Lucy's mummy saying given the snow that she didn't expect me to drive her back to the city. When I told Lucy she had an extra sleep and didn't have to leave today she gave a massive cheer and started running around. It warmed my heart that she wanted to stay here and be with her sisters.

Emily and Catherine got up at around ten when Charlie, her bother George and her friend came to find them and take them to the park. Of course Lucy wanted to go with them too to play in the snow. Soon I had Lucy all wrapped up warm and wearing Emily's woolly hat that she had fallen in love with. She looked so cute in it and Emily was happy to let her wear it. With a cuddle from Lucy and a promise from the girls to bring her back if she got cold they all headed out together to have fun in the fresh snow in the park.

They got back after playing outside for about an hour. Emily carried Lucy back part of the way because her feet were cold. As soon as they got in they were all full of tales of what they had been doing. Lucy didn't stop talking as I changed her into some warm dry clothes and warmed her little feet in my hands. It sounded like they had a great time making snow houses and and snow balls of all sizes. As well as having a snowball fight which sounded great fun.

They all settled down to watch television and snuggle for a while while I got on with Lunch. I think they all need a little rest and to warm up, but as soon as lunch was over play started again and Lucy took it in turns with playing with her sisters, and when Lucy wasn't playing with them she played on her own and sometimes came included me in her play.

As we got to the middle of the afternoon they all headed out into the snow together again, for round two of fun in the snow. Once again they all set off wrapped up warm against the cold and head off to the park. Their they carried on with the fun of the morning, making giant snow balls, building more snow buildings and having a mini snow ball fight. All great fun. I wish I had gone out with them but I had the start of a cold coming on and I had a killer headache. It wasn't what I wanted but what I was given. All the same, I was so pleased they were all enjoying the snow together.

When they got back it was very much the same story as last time. Lucy couldn't keep quite as I got her changed in her warm clothes and they all told me their stories of fun in the snow. It wasn't long before they all snuggled down and got warm while they awaited their dinner.

After dinner they all got on with playing in the family room, until it was time for Lucy to go to bed. She really had a lovely day in the snow and I was glad she was here with us for the whole day. After her stories and a little chat about the day before it was time for her kisses and cuddles from the people she loves. With a good night and a sweet dreams her little head hit the pillow and she she fell sound asleep.

Emily and Catherine got on with catching up with friends telling there stories of the day on Facebook and chatting to their friends. This kept them busy until their bedtime arrived and two tired older girls head to bed and an early start in the morning that would see them going to school.

It was strange that Lucy was totally different today from a normal Sunday and I wasn't the only person to notice this. Gone was the clingy little girl that won't let me out of her sight, the one that comes to sit on my lap and that can be very demanding, and in her place a normal four year old doing her own thing and playing with her sisters and coming for the odd cuddle. I have noticed it before when she had more than a couple of sleeps, she was much more relaxed and at home. Less anxious. I wonder what tomorrow will bring when she has to go back to the city.

Snowy End

Today was my Birthday and , if I am honest, I really didn't know what to expect of it. I was looking forward to having the girls for my Birthday but all the same never feel how a day will go at the moment. I just have to go with the flow. As it turned out I had a lovely day.

As normal Lucy was first up with a bright smile and her happy disposition. Soon we were downstairs in the chair together and she got my birthday card off the side and watched me open it. I loved it and the drawing she did inside. She said she picked it herself in a very proud way. I just gave her the biggest of hugs and a kiss and we settled down together and watch some television.

It wasn't to just after we had breakfast that Catherine appeared from her bed and made her way downstairs. As soon as Lucy saw her she ran off to give her a good morning hug before following into the family room to play. Every so oftern she would appear in the living room either hunting a cuddle or something to eat. She is a hungry sole at times. What is really lovely is if she dose ask for something she always asks if Catherine and Emily can have the same too. She loves sharing, which is lovely.

Instead of doing a Sunday Lunch on Sunday we had it today. It just speeds things up as far as Sunday goes and means I get to spend less of that day cooking when time seems to go so fast. Today we had a roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings and everyone seemed to enjoy it. But best of all we had fun at the table eating our food. It was a shame Emily wasn't with us but that couldn't be helped. She is at that age where she is learning to be independent.

With lunch out of the way the two girls headed back to the family room after helping with the dish washer. There they carried on the games of the morning and watched some television together. They seemed to be having a lovely time together. This carried on until mid afternoon when we set off to the nearby town to drop Catherine off with her friends.

Having just Lucy left and being in Oakham it seemed that the place to go was Mini Monsters. A soft play area that she just loves. She feels so at home there and was soon climbing, sliding and generally having a good time. I could watch her play for hours and that is what I did. She was having so much fun. It wasn't until we noticed the snow starting to fall that we decided that it would be a good time to head home. After a quick text to Catherine saying we were on our way and we would pick her up, we left, hopefully to return again soon.

It wasn't long after we got home that Emily returned. You can imagine how pleased Lucy was to see Emily. She really does love her big sister to bits and in return Emily loves her too. Soon they both disappeared off to play in Lucy's bedroom, leaving Catherine to watch television, while I  got on with making everyone a quick dinner.

As we ate the snow really started falling and by the time we finished the garden had turned white.You could feel the excitement in Lucy as she looked out the window. George was loving it outside in the snow. He has always loved the snow since he was a puppy. The only problem is with his thick white fur he tends to get icicles forming on his legs so he can't stay out long. It was just a shame that Lucy could go out in the snow to join him, but with the snow still falling and bedtime approaching it was best not to let her get cold and wet.

Soon we had Lucy tucked up in bed, after many a longing look out the window. After her kisses and cuddles from those she loves so much she fell to sleep and we didn't hear another peak for the rest of the night. Catherine and Emily mean while caught up with each other and watched some of there favourite programmes before they finally turned in for the night. I know they were looking forward to playing in the snow tomorrow as much as Lucy.

I have had a smashing day, although it hasn't been without it's thoughtful moments which everyday seems to come with now. It has been lovely to have all the girls here and have them around me. I so love my children and there aren't words to describe that sort of love. It was worth not having a Birthday dinner just to see Lucy's little face when we got to Mini Monsters. I can't wait until the morning and the time they have together having fun in the snow.

Friday Flurries

The cold spell continues and with it came the a light dusting of snow that covered the ground making the village look lovely this morning after the sun came up. There wasn't very much snow but enough to make a few snow balls if collected together, although there is more on the way for the weekend.

I woke early again and before the sun was in the sky and waited for the girls to get up before I got out of bed. Soon they left for school and I got ready to go and get Lucy from the city. Given the snow I wasn't sure which route was best so I took the safer route and stuck to the main roads, although I did think being bus routes the country roads would have been clear. In the end this took longer than expected with major road works along the road between Melton and Leicester.

This made me late which I was trying to avoid. I really do hate it. Soon I had Lucy with me and we traveled back towards home chatting and listening to music. She even gave me a birthday card for tomorrow, which was lovely of her Of course she wanted me to open it straight away, but I said we should wait until tomorrow. Anyway, this time to avoid the congestion we took the normal route back through the villages, driving carefully as we did. As we got out into the countryside Lucy spotted the snow, which got thicker as we approached Rutland.

Our frist port of call was the supermarket to pick up the food for the next few days. Once Lucy got out the car you could almost feel her excitement at seeing the snow. She just warned to touch it and play with, slide in it and have fun. Unfortunately for Lucy, but fortunately for the customers the supermarket had gritted the path to the shop, but this didn't stop Lucy from finding the one bit of fresh snow to play with. It didn't take long to do the shopping and soon we were heading home.

As soon as we got in the garden Lucy was in her element. Part of the garden this time of year is always in the shade and it was covered in snow. She headed straight for it and was collecting it together, scraping things clean and generally having fun. Although there wasn't very much of it there was still enough to raise a smile until her hands got cold and it was time to come inside.

Once in the house I got on with making some nice warming bacon and mushroom rolls while Lucy went to look for George and let him out to play with her. Soon we were all filling our tummies and before we got into the serious business of playing for the rest of the afternoon. As usual we played all kinds of games and a once tidy family room became untidy again, but I guess that is half the fun or playing.

Lucy really wanted to pick up Catherine and Emily so we headed out just before school finished for the day to get Catherine and see Emily even if it was only quick kiss and a cuddle, as she was off for a sleep over with her friend Millie. Lucy was pleased to see them and her little cuddle with Emily enough to keep her going until they met again. Catherine on the other hand had the rest of the afternoon and the evening to enjoy her company. As soon as they got home they started to play until it was time for dinner.

After a quick dinner there was an hour or so before bedtime for Lucy. Both girls made the best use of the time they could. I can't say how much I just love to listen to them playing and being part of there games. Eventually it became tome for Lucy to go to bed and after her stories, cuddles and kisses Lucy went off to sleep and Catherine went off to watch television on the computer and chat to her friends until her bedtime arrived and she went off to sleep and the house fell quiet.

It has been a good day if a quiet one. Lucy had great fun when she saw the snow. She was walking through it, touching it, throwing it about. It was lovely to see. I just hope we have some more snow tomorrow that she can really enjoy with her sisters. There was something unusual that cropped up but didn't spoil the day. Who knows what tomorrow might bring other than my Birthday. I love being with my family.