It is amazing to think that Lucy is four. It seems like yesterday I was holding in my arms for the first time. I will never forget the day she was born. It was all so spacial and even magical. Times like that are are moments you remember and never forget. How could you when with someone else you bring a life into this world through love. There is no more special moment as man than seeing your child born. Despite all that has happened since nobody can take that moment of joy from me. It happened and it can be wiped out as if it didn't happen or there was no connection. I spent the first year of little Lucy life with her because I could and I won't ever regret it, ever. It was one of the best times of my life. It was amazing see grow in her first year.
It is hard to think she was so small once now, but I will never forget the day she was born and what it meant to me and everyone else at the time. The reason why she came in to this world seem now wasted away, but she is wanted as much now as she was back then. I just hope she knows how much she is loved by everyone in her life. I'm sure none of this was what anyone ever intended for her. All this coming and going and never seeing the people loves so much together.
The day she was born was so special. I remember in the morning going to the hospital being so worried that something might go wrong. It was Hamish. one of the doctors, who put us both at ease with his banter and jokes. If she had of been a boy I swear Lucy might have ended up been named after him, although her name would have been George by choice, we were so taken with him. He was wonderful. The whole process went much easier than I expected. I can still see her in my arms when she was born. I remember her weight in my arms, how relieved I was she was alright and hopping her mummy was too. Just when it seemed like everything was alright, Hamish detected a heart murmur and her her mummy was taken off to a side ward. I can't say I wasn't worried because I was, very worried.
The staff reassured me that everything was going to be alright and it was nothing to worry about and I was left to go up with Lucy to the main ward and await her mummies return. When we both arrived we were shown into, not a side ward, but a bit like a waiting area. I remember the sun was shinning in through the window and I pushed cot Lucy was into the sunlight that was teaming in the room to keep her warm and I welcomed her to the world. What was lovely is that I got to feed her for the first time, not something many dads get to do. She couldn't wait until her mum came off the side ward so there I was with a little spoon pouring milk into her little mouth. At one point the nurse said I could leave her and rest and I just didn't want to go. She was so perfect and so beautiful. I just wanted to look at her and never stop. I knew from that day she a special little person to me. The same feeling I had when I first held her big sisters for the first time. Those moments and many more will be with me until I die. It wasn't until she was asleep I left to check on her mummy and see she was alright. Thankfully she was, for the last thing I wanted was anything to happen to her, she meant the world to me too. It was lovely to see them reunited and Lucy in her mummy's arms at last.
Some people, especially without children, will wonder why I remember so much. The answer is simple just like all the births of the children that I have fathered seeing them born has been the most magical times of my life. The only regret I will ever have is not being at Emily's birth, but in her case I will remember the first time we met and my heart went out to her.
Sometimes I think my whole life has been messed up by all that has happened, but when I look at Emily, Catherine and Lucy I know I am so lucky to have the most amazing children. I love them all and they love me back. It is a special love that doesn't come with conditions. Yes, I have wanted more for them than they have now, some of that, at the moment, has been taken away and discarded. My dreams at times have seemed smashed to bits, but I know I will get what I want for them in the end, because I will chase my dreams and I know that they worth working for. I will love my children and I will cherish them for ever. It is about knowing who you are always there for in your life, the people you love no matter what or what they do to you, and believing that with your heart.
Finally, I was so grateful to Lucy mummy's for sending me a text asking if I wanted to talk to Lucy. I jumped at the opportunity. It was something I never expected to happen given how poor the communication is between us. It was nice to have my existence as Lucy's father acknowledge for once rather than feeling that Im some kind buried memory that has been cut of a life. I just hope that it is the start of something better, for it was lovely just to be able to wish her a happy birthday and talk to her however short the call. I want to be involved in her life as much as can for she is one very special little girl.
[Corrected - 11th November 2011]
