No Time At All

I don't really know what to say about today. The precursor to it was messy and the problems it caused were not what was needed. As you will know I recently had to get a new tyre for the car and the money we spent for that was allocated to a new car seat for Lucy. Simply put there wasn't the money in the pot to buy both and since without a tyre I can't work or see Lucy the tyre naturally had to come first. Without the money form work we don't eat and keep warm. It had be one or the other. Money is tight and to do the things we do we have to stick to a strict budget. Basically put it was buying the tyre and not the seat that resulted in what happened today and what will happen next Tuesday.

Something we teach all children when they are small failed due to lack of understanding, the concept of sharing and helping others out. The whole idea of teamwork and commitment failed when working to a common goal. It's just sad that this happened, and that probably happens to other people too in similar situations, when it doesn't need to. There is always a compromise or a solution to a problem if people look for it rather than taking the stance that opposes any sort of agreement. I don't blame anyone for this because playing the blame game is always pointless when what is needed is a solution. Nobody has ever reached any understanding playing that game. I think somethings are often made worse when those parties were once so close and things where never really sorted out and instead buried. That can just create bad feeling is one or both parties. It's not anyone fault this happens it is just a coping mechanism that people use to hide deep emotions and is basically flawed. Taking to extremes some people even change the history of events in their lives bit by bit so the past becomes bearable. It just a form of denial.

Anyway, the result was I saw Lucy for just thirty minutes as I walked her home from her nursery to her mummy's house via the sweet shop, all because an agreement about the car seat couldn't be reached until I could buy one of my own at the start of half term when I can free up some money that I would have used for fuel to get to work.

I got to the nursery at just before noon, and Lucy was playing in the far conner as usual. As soon as she saw there was a big grin and she said something to one of the staff and came running to the gate. It was lovely to see and ah the gate opened I whisked her into my arms. I got the "I love you Daddy" treatment and a massive big hug. It was then as she was getting her coat that I had to break the news she could come home today and she was going to have to go back to mummies. 

She seemed very confused as well as being sad. So to solve the confusion I told her again why she couldn't come home in simpler terms and gave her a big hug and told her she could come again soon. Her reaction to this surprised me a little, maybe she felt my pain. but she tried to solve the problem saying where different people could sit in the car so that she could fit in and come home with me. I was touched by this as well as impressed by her ability to solve problems logically at such a young age. Of course I had to tell her again that it just wasn't possible and she went quiet.

We walked along the road hand in hand as I chatted and she listened in the main, occasional saying she "couldn't tell me" if I ask a question. To brightened her up we popped into the sweet shop. It must be the one she goes to sometimes on other days when she is picked up from nursery because she knew where to go in the shop to find the sweets. She was really good in the shop and brought one sweet for now and another two for when her sister came home from school. 

After we left the shop she spotted some flowers at the side of the path. She stopped to look and picked one and carefully put it in her pocket to take back to her mummy. I thought it was rather sweet of her to do that, although I guess she really shouldn't have been picking flowers with out asking, but who would deny a three year old one flower. You would have to be pretty mean to do that.

From the sweet shop we walked down to the park. I wish the weather had been better it would have been nice to stop and play there for a while, but everything was still damp and the weather was closing in the clouds were coming over. Lucy didn't seem to mind to much and happily carried on eating her sweet as we slowly got closer to her mummies.

The hardest part of all this was leaving her. I really didn't want to, I just wanted to take her home with me and enjoy the afternoon with her. I really felt lost as the door closed in my face after saying my goodbyes and wishing people well and it was with a heavy heart that I walked back to the car and drove home.

It is all so sad but I hope some good will come of it all in someway later down the line and that Lucy understands why things are like they are later in life. The last thing I want any of this to do is damage Lucy in anyway. Enough of that sort damage has been done in the distant past that is now affecting the recent past, the present, but hopefully not the future. The cycle needs to be broken and not continued onwards and that is my goal.