Coming Weekend

To say I miss having all the people I care for is an understatement, but I just can't drive to Leicester to get Lucy. For once that is not a money issue. I have the money to get her and take her back, but I just can't drive that far safely with my bad shoulder which has got worse since early hours of yesterday morning to the point I had to get an emergency appointment Doctors yesterday. The pain had become unbearable and untreatable with normal pain killers and even with the ones the doctor gave me I'm still in lots of pain. I could probably look after her with the help of Emily and Catherine, but I just can't do the drive nor do much with her.

I feel so bad about this, if she was closer then I could get her somehow even if it meant going by taxi to pick her up. I feel I'm letting her down and I know her sisters miss her so much so I'm letting them down too. As it is, that isn't an option and with the lack of co operation and communication with her mummy there is no chance of sorting anything out like I have been doing with Emily and Catharine's mum because of her bad back. Things feel so bad between us that feel I can't even ask without the risk of getting my head bitten off and that is just sad. In fact that is what happened when I texted her, I was told I had spent to the money to get her, which I hadn't. If I asked for help I know the answer will be no. Everything seems governed by stupid rule.

What hurts is the lack of communication between me and her mummy is at best foolish. I just wish we could get it sorted. I don't have any bad feelings towards her. I have always wanted to be part of Lucy's life and now I find myself excluded. Thankfully the same can't be said for Emily and Catherine's mum, she is free to call them when ever she likes, we discuss things that affect the children and I involve her in there life as much as possible.

The next weekend I should have Lucy is in two weeks time, with the distance involved the weekday visits are history given the lack of cooperation. It is all right saying that my access would be unaffected but I have yet to see the real proof in reaching a compromise and although I appreciate the flexibility until I'm involved her life again I never going to be happy with the access I have. By the time I see her next it will be five weeks from her last visit here. I know in this case this can't be helped, but that is too long for such a small child and I worry about her everyday. I feel we are messing up a little girls head like countless adults before us with our stupid childish games rather than talking and being able openly discuss things. What is worse is I know where that will lead and what happens to children like this later in life.

It is stupid game that should never be played. Children are too important. Adults should talk like adults and despite the pain talk about there feelings and be open with each other to reach some kind of resolution. I think my feelings are clear, but maybe they are being misunderstood. Without clear communication lines the issues will never be talked about or resolved. I'm more than willing to talk. You can't control what happens in life but you can reach a happy medium. I know how I feel what is important, it's just nobody listens.

I feel deeply hurt by what happened today. It makes you wonder about what else has been said that might not be totally true. I miss Lucy and never had a child to be a part time parent. It is time to stop and talk. After all we both want what is best for Lucy.