Lazy Day

It has been a strange weekend and a tired weekend and today wasn't much different. The longing to get out into the fresh air and shack off the mood was as prolific as it was the day before. It wasn't so much the wet ground that stopped us, but time itself. By the time it was dry outside we had to start getting ready for little Lucy to leave us.

The morning started off like many others. I was awoken by Lucy calling "Daddy" and I went into her room to find her smiling as she saw me. Soon we gathered her things and went downstairs and I made us both a drink and we sat together to wake up in front of the television. It is a lovely time, but one I fear won't last forever, she is getting older now and one day it will pass. As for now I will enjoy every minute of it and the cuddles.

Eventually Emily and Catherine came down from their room and joined us and it wasn't long before they all headed off to the family room. Lucy, wanting to make the most having both of them together broke out the boardgames and was soon encouraging them to join in with the games she wanted to play. After a while her attention turned to her other toys and as Emily and Catherine relaxed, she got busy cleaning and cooking. It was fun as she went round everyone asking what they wanted to eat and cleaning around our feet.

After lunch Charlie turned up. Nobody was expecting her, in fact Emily was waiting to be picked up to go to Annie's for the afternoon. Soon the house became alive with noise. Charlie is far from quiet, but Lucy seemed to love having her here. As Emily left I could still hear the lots of noise coming from the family room and the many shouts of Charlie's name from Lucy. It seemed like they were having a great time playing. When I popped my head around the door to make sure they were all right and they didn't want anything.

Just before three Charlie went home and that left Lucy, Catherine and myself to get Lucy ready to return home to her mummies. Soon we had her in the bath and we washed her hair, making sure the soap didn't get in her eyes which she hates. Then after a shake over the bath and in her bath robe it was off with Catherine to have her hair dried and brushed as I gathered all her things. Then with Lucy dressed in clean clothes she came in it was time to leave.

The drive to the city was a quiet one, as seems normal now, and Lucy managed to catch a few minutes sleep before Catherine woke her up. For once, I didn't feel like taking her to the door and so I said my goodbyes in the car. I just didn't feel like it, so Catherine dropped her off for me. Although Lucy wanted me to do it as usual, I just couldn't. When Catherine came back, we drove back to the country, talking about the Lucy, her sister and her mummy as we headed home.

Just before we got home we popped in to Oakham to pick up Emily from Annie's house. With everyone home I got on with cooking dinner for everyone before we all settled down to watch the new series of Dancing on Ice. It would have been lovely to have a coal fire like we did in the past, but things are a bit tight for spending money on coal. As the day ran out the girls went off to bed and I was left to think about the day and the weekend.

I was left at the end of the weekend with this felling it had all gone by too quickly for me. I loved having the girls together and it was all gone too soon. I felt so sorry for them all and that I had failed them. This life is far from what I planned, but I will make it better for them somehow. I just hope they understand.

When I look back all I wanted for them was a normal family and that hasn't happened for any of them in the end. They all two lives in different places and I can see with Emily now the pain that is causing her. Part of her wants to see her mum but the pull to see her friends is great. It is a balancing act she is finding it hard to deal with. That has yet to come for Catherine and Lucy, but come it will. I just hope one day they will realise that this wasn't what I wanted for them. In the case of the older girls this was out of everyones hands, it was just something that happened, in the case of the younger it wasn't my choice that things should turn out this way for her. I never wanted this, in fact it is the last thing I ever wanted, I did what I was asked but it wasn't ever going to be enough, nothing was.

It has been a very strange weekend and an emotional one and I feel very tired. Sleep is eluding me. I want to be positive and say that things will get better but it doesn't look that way at the moment. The things I would like for everyone need rebuilding and I know it might take some time to get there, but get there I will, for them. I want the children to feel untied and strong, it is something I always wanted for them, and I'm not the only one that wanted that.

For me I want to feel at peace with the world and be able to speak openly and be understood, but where to start is the question and how to achieve it. I hate unfairness, conflict and wars and for me I see the future is in understanding and love, and for that you have to have courage and be strong.

Finally I just hope the weather stay's mild. A cold spell could mean we don't see Lucy in two weeks time and could affect Emily and Catherine going to Leeds. I have to keep us all warm and fed and that has to be a priority at the moment. If a cold spell happens everything could be disrupted, will have to be played by ear. I hate all this.