Oh well

I'm going to be honest and I'm upset. I know you can't expect everything in life, and I don't but the lack of communication about and with Lucy is simply killing me.

There are no arrangements for seeing her and all the old arrangements are just that old. Making arrangements on the fly isn't working without talking and there is no way of talking about anything. Everything seems one way and there is little empathy at all. It feels like I'm just I was a blip in someone's life and they wish that I didn't exist, thankfully for Lucy I don't feel like that. It is something that is hard to deal with when there is no kind of closure because of lack of understanding and communication. The fact is there is a connection between two people who have a child, in this case because of Lucy. It is no good running away from the fact. You can't hide forever and live behind a lie. It you have children with someone you have a responsibility to do what you can. You also need to know when to say sorry and actually mean it.

I just don't think I can deal with it any more. There is to much emotion involved.  I can't stand not seeing her. I hate not being able to communicate with her, about her, or make plans of discuss dates about seeing her. Every communication I have is like being kicked in the heart by someone I trust, but how much more time before that goes and all that is associated with it, but then again it been like that for two years. I just just don't know what to say other than it just breaks my heart if it wasn't broken enough by everything. 

I just want to share in my daughters life and that is why I wanted her and had her with someone who was special, even if that is lost now. It wasn't to be some absent parent that is some kind of inconvenience to someone else life. It is Lucy that matters now. I'm really feeling someone never really understood me at all and that is so sad.